Dealing with a difficult manager without leaving (yet)

Naming the pattern: unclear, absent, controlling or hostile

"Difficult" covers very different problems, and each needs a different response:

• Unclear: priorities change, instructions are vague, and you find out what was wanted only when it is wrong.
• Absent: hard to reach, decisions stall, feedback never comes.
• Controlling: every detail checked, little trust, no room to use your judgement.
• Hostile: belittling comments, shouting, exclusion or unfair criticism, especially in front of others.

The first three are usually management style, and they often improve with structure and a direct conversation. Hostile behaviour is different. Employment New Zealand describes bullying as repeated and unreasonable behaviour directed towards an employee or a group of employees that can cause physical or mental harm. It also says a single or occasional incident of rude behaviour is not bullying, but should not be ignored. Bullying is not something you have to manage around.

Managing upward with 1:1 notes

With an unclear, absent or controlling manager, regular structure helps. Ask for a short, regular 1:1, even fifteen minutes a fortnight, and bring a list: what you have done, what you are doing next, what you need from them, and anything you want a decision on.

After each one, send a two-line summary: "Thanks for today. We agreed I'll prioritise the audit report and hold the website work until March." It turns vague instructions into agreed ones, gives an absent manager a record to refer to, and shows a controlling one what you are doing without being asked. Our guide to one-to-one meetings covers how to run them.

The demo opens with no account and shows Your Career's 1:1 notes, each dated, with what was agreed and the feedback given, beside a record of wins that makes your contribution visible.

Documenting specifics

If things are not improving, keep a record. WorkSafe advises keeping a record of each incident, and a useful one is specific: the date and time, where it happened, what was said or done, who else was there, how it made you feel and how it affected your work. "On 12 May, in the team meeting, J said my report was 'useless' in front of five people" is far stronger than "J is always rude to me".

Keep copies of relevant emails and messages, and keep the record somewhere that is yours rather than on a work system. Write it close to the time, while the details are clear. Note the better moments too, and any support you asked for and whether you got it: a balanced record is more credible, and it helps you judge honestly whether things are changing.

When to involve HR and what happens next

If a direct conversation has not worked, or the behaviour is hostile, it is reasonable to raise it. Employment New Zealand sets out several routes: dealing with it yourself, asking someone, such as HR or another manager, to help informally, or making a formal complaint. You can bring a support person to meetings about it.

Before a formal complaint, read your employer's policy on bullying and complaints, which usually says who to contact, how a complaint is investigated and how you are protected while it is.

Your employer has duties here. Under the Health and Safety at Work Act 2015, health includes mental health, and a business must ensure, so far as is reasonably practicable, the health and safety of its workers. If raising it inside the organisation does not resolve things, Employment New Zealand offers free, confidential mediation, and you can call it on 0800 20 90 20. A personal grievance must be raised within 90 days (12 months for sexual harassment). If behaviour causes physical harm or you are in immediate danger, call 111. Discrimination, or racial or sexual harassment, can instead go to Te Kāhui Tika Tangata, the Human Rights Commission; you can take a personal grievance or a Human Rights Act complaint, but not both. Our guide to employment rights in New Zealand covers the process.

Running a quiet job hunt as insurance

Trying to improve things and keeping an eye on the market can happen at the same time. Knowing you have options makes a difficult situation easier to handle calmly, and it means you will not have to leave in a hurry if nothing changes.

Keep the search off work systems and move at your own pace. Our article on job hunting while employed covers how to keep it private. If the situation is affecting your health, talk to your GP, and if your workplace has an employee assistance programme, it offers free, confidential support.

Keep the record, and keep your options